Yearning To Be Whole

Solitude breeds thought which brings forth perspective. 

He is heard in a still small voice, a gentle whisper, yet we search for the audibly, louder signs. 

He is felt on the gentle caress of a breeze, the solstice of a nighttime walk, yet we pay no attention. 

All day long we run the rat-race chasing things of little importance in hopes of having these gaping holes inside of us filled. We want to know there is a purpose for us. We yearn to be whole. Complete.

All around us negativity and fear is blossoming like sunflowers in the fields too numerous to count. Our world has changed a lot. We are looking at things square in the eyes that we hoped we would never have to experience in our lifetime. Pandemics, self quarantine, riots, incredible storms, murder, and lack of morals seem at an all-time high and so close to home. We want peace. We want harmony. We want security. 

I sit here and this chapter comes to my mind. Slowly I read and reread its content. 

“As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”  Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you.  For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many.  You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.  Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.  All these are the beginning of birth pains.   “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.  At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,  and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.  Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold,  but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.  And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.   “So when you see standing in the holy place ‘the abomination that causes desolation,’   spoken of through the prophet Daniel—let the reader understand—  then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains.  Let no one on the housetop go down to take anything out of the house.  Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak.  How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!  Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath.  For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again.   “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened.  At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it.  For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.  See, I have told you ahead of time.   “So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the wilderness,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it.  For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man.  Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather.   “Immediately after the distress of those days  “ ‘the sun will be darkened,  and the moon will not give its light;  the stars will fall from the sky,  and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’    “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth   will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory.  And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.   “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near.  Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it  is near, right at the door.  Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.  Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.   “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,   but only the Father.  As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.  For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark;  and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.  Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left.  Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.   “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.  But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into.  So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.”

Matthew 24:3‭-‬44 NIV”

I encourage you to seek comfort in these words, to rest assure that the world may be surprising us left and right but God is not surprised.

Hold on my brothers and sisters. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Scars Mean The Battle Was Real

When I was a little girl I loved to walk in creek beds. I would admire the way the trees would bend in as to shelter what was beneath. I also noticed how the creek banks were like cradles to usher the water flow in its journey to the next bigger body of water. You know, thinking about it, I wonder if those rocks kept the creek water humble so it wouldn’t flow faster than it should.

One day on a creek bed journey, I fell. My ankle was wedged between two rocks and my knee got busted open and this little people wedged inside it. I could feel the pebble as I tried to stand and cried. My friend’s dad picked me up and took me to the house where he lovingly removed the pebble and bandaged my knee.

That happened when I was 8. Thirty years later, when I shave or wear shorts, I am reminded of this day. I don’t rehearse the pain. I rehearse the memory of the beauty I took in that day. Of the creek. Of the man’s kindness.

From the age of 6 until I was 12, I endured sexual abuse. It was horrendous and if you see at the top of this blog I have a page that shares that testimony in depth. As of right now, I carry the biggest scar from this time in my life.

Something troubles me deeply lately. I watch crowds often. The expressions. The body language. I see so many who have endured terrible things in their lives yet they never let the wound heal and come to a scar. They let it fester. The keep breaking the wound open. They hide under the labels PTSD, Anxiety Sufferer, Depressed, Suicidal with constant symptoms like these below:

I have suffered the wound each of the feelings caused. They are very real and they are very hard to overcome. But it is not impossible to overcome them. What if the label serves more as an excuse than a step towards healing?

Have you seen these around:

What if we are given heightened strengths and awareness due to the trauma in our lives? So many us have suffered. What if we claimed our victories and stood tall instead of grasping our frailties and succumbing to evil’s darkness? It seems to me trauma victors have a lot to offer a very dark world.

I like this song called My House by Pvris. Within the song you come across these lyrics:


“Never thought that I would feel like this
Such a mess when I’m in your presence
I’ve had enough, I think you’ve been making me sick
Gotta get you out of my system
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
It’s my soul
It isn’t yours anymore
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
Yeah, I think it’s time to get out”

I remember the first time hearing this song I had to listen to it another dozen times. Why? I related. Pvris may have meant those lyrics to be taken totally in a different direction with their meaning to this song, but for me, it was about a dark demonic presence I carried with me often, for as long as I can remember. It made me relive memories. It made me have flashbacks. It made curl in the corner in fear due to the fact I felt someone was coming to hurt me again. It made me live in fear so much that I tried to end my life on three different occasions. It is my house. And I think was time the darkness leave me.

November 14, 1999 I gave my life, heart and soul to Christ. 6 weeks later I did the same thing to my husband, December 31, 1999. I was letting go of the festering wounds. I was going to quit opening the wounds up. I was going to bare the scar instead. That journey was long. But I can tell you I stand completely a survivor. I am not a victim. I won’t bare anymore of those labels the keep me repressed and my healing in the distance.

Be blessed. Listen to the words of Scars by I Am They. SCARS