Let Him Go

There’s a happiness to the bustling of things being put into boxes this morning as Aaron and I are loading the truck. Amongst the things to pack are all these cassette tapes dad recorded of Sunday morning worship music off the radio. 

Dad walks in (even in this dream I knew he wasn’t truly here but that it was a type of visitation) and looks at me. I know he’s getting ready to say it…

“Don’t throw those away. Hold on to them and listen to them,” he said with that sideways grin. How predictable. “I know. I won’t,” I comment. 

Aaron grins at me and I go to take the box to the truck. As I approach the truck I see Austin on the other side of the fence in front of the truck. He’s little. He’s 10. He’s this bouncy little guy full of happiness. He looks at me and asks me to come to him. He reaches for a hug and I just stare into those big, brown eyes. (Even here I know this is a dream as my Austin is 22 now and again I know this is a type of visitation) He looks up at me and says, “You’re the best mom in the whole world. You always have been and always will be. I meant it.” 

My heart starts to skip a beat. I’m starting to tear up but I don’t want to cry or be sad. I know I shouldn’t be. 

“I love you so much, Austin. I’m thankful you are mine,” I tell him. 

 I turn back around to walk to the box that I had sat on on the rocky ground in front of the truck and take it to the back where all the other treasures are being placed in the bed of the truck. As I turn to walk back into the house I catch a glimpse of movement on the driveway where we drove up. At the top of this road I see dad and my little Austin walking hand in hand down the road and away from us…and I catch my breath. I can’t stop the tears this time. I fully understand the point of this ‘dream’. 

I wake up and have an ugly cry. 

I am visited often with dreams like this. When my heart is heavy and hurts and I need some reassurance all will work out, or when I am scared to death for a friend. In praying often for others there is a heavy burden there. 

This dream in particular covered many areas in my life right now. Aaron and I are both transitioning to the next stage of our lives. It’s a new chapter per say. I assume that’s why we are packing in this dream. 

I have been missing dad something awful lately. Just to have someone fun to hang out with and be a bit crazy. He would always tease me and keep me light-hearted. Dad was unpredictable and aside from God and Aaron, the only man I trusted with my life. I guess with all this transitioning I just wished I could hear his crazy antics and make things a bit more bearable. I know that’s why his teasing and presence was in the dream. 

Austin. Letting your kids use those wings and chase their callings is not easy. You think the infant stage is hard? It is. You have nothing to compare or prepare you for it. Yet I will say, this stage is the hardest. The scariest. There’s no more keeping them close to you to keep them from harm’s way, there’s no more cooking them their meals to be sure they have eaten, there’s no more bedtimes to assure they rest as the schedules conflict. You just have to pray like crazy that somewhere through all your messes and mistakes as a parent God allowed a lesson to stick in their minds that will keep them safe. That will assure they are fed and rest well. You have to hand them 100% over to the Lord and it can be so hard. 

This dream assured me I was as good of a mom to Austin as I could be. That he loves me. And made me face the painful truth my little boy was gone. Just like daddy is in Heaven and doing just fine so is that little boy. Now in his place is this amazing young man prepared and able to live in a rough and tough world. And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. Let him go. *Deep sigh. “I can do this. God, help me do this, I can’t without Your help.”