Let’s Riot! I Get It.

A darkness used to reside within me, a malignant darkness and I became internally furious. I constantly was searching for something that would render relief. I became angry. 

For so much of my life things happened to me that were not my fault, abuse that I could not stop. At the age of 6 until I was 12 I was molested and raped by someone who was supposed to love me. 

6 years of pent-up aggression. 

When we are done wrong, anger is triggered. Sometimes it is dealt with immediately and resolved and at other times it beds itself down deep and festers. Anger is natural. Righteous anger has its place but rioting and hurting the innocent is not righteous anger. Anger that leads to lashing out, looting, hitting, punching, shooting, and killing is not righteous. That type of anger points to a poison. 

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8‭-‬9 NIV

Satan is very keen on the thresholds he can get through. Just as God watches our every move so does Satan. Just as God loves us so much that He sent his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life, Satan uses anything he can against us to bring us darkness and destroy us from the inside out. Suppressed anger is his forte.  He hates you. When you allow the poison to build inside of you, you let darkness enter the world. Evil and Satan has no power over you unless you let them have it. It’s a choice you choose. Whatever pain, whatever abuse you have faced, was not your fault but this decision to be filled with hate is your choice. 

At the age of 12, I was put in the State’s care and in this process I constantly came face to face with adults that would talk me through some poor form of healing. They would tell me how I should behave, try to help me cope, tell me how I should feel, and move me from home to home. I felt like the criminal and not like the victim.  I got angry. 

I understand to a point, the desire to riot. When so much pain gets packed down inside of you and it comes wave after wave with no relief, you’re like a volcano needing to vent. However, like the volcano you put others at risk. 

Same thing goes when you fail to heed instructions and maintain self-control. Eventually enough rebellion heaps a load of consequences you weren’t looking for and you find yourself expelled from relationships and facing we punishment. 

I had my rioting. I let Satan fill me with dark anger. I’ve had my rebellion. I’ve acted out selfishly.  I’ve danced with my anger and have burned bridges. And I will say not an ounce of what I did brought relief at all. My insides are scarred.

I have learned the rage in me wasn’t me seeking justice but wanting vengeance. The Lord makes it clear. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:18‭-‬21 NIV 

I realized I had a heart issue and dropped the vengeance seeking and step by step I sought the Lord.

To the one who is on the verge of volcanic explosion, I ask for just a moment of your time. That hurt that you harbor, it wasn’t your fault. The constant attack again and again… you were so young. You weren’t meant to handle a load like that. We live in a sick world and sick things happen but does it really make sense to continue making a mess of things? 

You need relief? I totally get that. It’s like a poison in your veins and you want to bleed it out. You want to be free. You want reconciliation. You want justice. You want acceptance, to be understood. You want relief from painful things that run in your mind non-stop. I get it. 

I started cutting myself and swallowing pills. I had sex at a very young age trying to find something to alleviate all the pain I held in. I had a kid at the age of 15 and had to grow up super fast. For 4 years I did the best I could and got nowhere. 

People will never fill you. Rioting will never cure you nor justify the wrong you’ve endured. You instead of being a victim, become a criminal. Justifying your actions by making excuses of ‘being hurt first’ only prolongs the freedom you seek. 

Let’s be real. 

There’s not a single human on the face of this Earth that has never made a mistake. We are not in a position to judge as we all have things we’ve done wrong. We can’t say or rightfully feel what we went through merits the right to do whatever we want. If that’s the case then whoever abused you… had the right to make that decision.

Rioting solves nothing. It’s like a bad hangover, it finds you feeling worse when it’s over. 

2020 has been a year unlike one we’ve seen maybe ever, in our lifetime. We are to be socially distant. Some of us have lost our jobs and are struggling pretty hard. Our lives have all been changed by something we can’t fix. We are tired of oppression. We want to be heard. We want change.  

No one on the face of this earth can make what you’re going through any better. They can give you a friendship to help you get through it, but they can’t heal it.

But I know someone who can. I know someone who has been poor, misunderstood, spat upon, slapped, beaten, mocked. Someone who has faced heartaches you nor I could fully understand. I still don’t and I’ve known him 20 years. 

John 17 reveals His heart. He prayed for you. Hebrews 9: 24-28 states why He came to Earth in the first place. 

You’re not the only one who carries a heavy burden. You’re not the only one. 

In sharing this with a brother of mine, he added some thought that added even more substance to what I have written. I will share. He commented,  “We are each one shaped and molded by our experiences of life to be left with a void unique only to us. We all seek to fill the void inside of us and each one of us expresses our need to be complete in different ways, anger, silence, laughter, over-attachment, you name it.

The issue is the process to create the void was so unique to each and everyone of us. The void is like a snowflake, one of a kind, never to be duplicated again. This void can only be filled by the Master Carpenter who makes the perfectly shaped piece crafted specifically for you. In every instance perfectly matching your failures, success, laughter, and disappointments to give you completeness to the point that forgiveness is a possibility. Forgiveness for who? …

Well, that’s just like a snowflake.”

We all have messed up in some form or fashion (Romans 3:23) We all need our hearts to align with God to get the healing we seek. The Bible speaks often of a contrite heart. In Isaiah 66:2, the Lord says, “These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word.

Then from there God starts the healing on the inside of the heart. Rioting and anger will never bring you justice.

You’re not the only one who carries a heavy burden. You’re not the only one. 

Thank You

To the momma who gave her up,

I just want to tell you how angry I am. Thank you for not valuing her as you should have, for stuffing her in corners of neglect because you had yourself to serve instead.

Thank you for not even even considering for a second how your actions would even affect her years later. I am angry that one can find a child so easy to rid of.

BEing a victim of abandonment among others things, I am much different than others. I can relate to her on levels many cannot. I’ve been through those trenches and have fought through waves of anger.

And right now this little girl projects and I am her target. THey say you hurt the ones you love most, I suppose. She can be defiant. She is very manipulative but you taught her this. She has had to self-preserve no matter the cost in the past. You taught her she cannot trust anyone. You taught her she is easy to give up on and to give away.

If it wasn’t for Christ’s example and my own experiences with pain, this may have been all too much to bare. But I get it. I see her pain. I have felt that pain. I have been this little girl.

I wanted to know no matter how bad I acted that love would still find me at the end of any given day. That love was not merited favor based on an action or behavior.

Her anger is pretty intense at times and the venom coursing through her veins, painful. Sometimes I am at a loss to help her through but have come to understand she needs proof this is forever. So I hold on tight. I fight right beside her through the waves as they come her way. And if she was to fall, I’d keep those dark monsters that reside in her mind away from her heart.

I will not give up on her. She is my daughter and I love her with all my heart. Her and I are both warrior’s of this life and we will come out of this consumed in such a bond we’ll be inseparable.

So, thank you for not valuing her as you should have, for stuffing her in corners of neglect because you had yourself to serve instead.

For the Momma who chose her.

To The One My Heart Is Burdened For

There is a connection beyond human understanding , yet I know the feeling is of something very much, real. It’s a connection where you feel as though the weight of pain on another’s back is now on you and all you can think of is how you want to help alleviate the darkness and disarm the taunting spirits beckoning them to self-destruct. You can’t relax, you can’t sleep, and it’s hard to focus on anything else but this burden.

It’s a connection where you feel as though the weight of pain on another’s back is now on you and all you can think of is how you want to help alleviate the darkness and disarm the taunting spirits beckoning them to self-destruct. You can’t relax, you can’t sleep, and it’s hard to focus on anything else but this burden.

For me burdens are not a nuisance but a call to act in love, in His love. You are not a burden. Know that. It okay to not be okay for now.

I, in my own person, am helpless in this matter. But I know when I am driven to my knees to cry out in anguish and hurt for that of another, supernatural power is unleashed. Not in me. Prayer beckons the movement of the Almighty’s hand. It is by your FAITH prayers move mountains. It is by God’s actions miracles take place.

Please know God put you on my heart. It wasn’t your choice. It is an honor to be burdened for you like this. I am praying for a mighty movement in your life and until that time comes I will be here for you to reach out to and encourage you to keep on fighting and I will be right there with you.

No one can steal the prayers nor the privilege I feel just to be able to lift you up to Our God in total surrender.

Scars Mean The Battle Was Real

When I was a little girl I loved to walk in creek beds. I would admire the way the trees would bend in as to shelter what was beneath. I also noticed how the creek banks were like cradles to usher the water flow in its journey to the next bigger body of water. You know, thinking about it, I wonder if those rocks kept the creek water humble so it wouldn’t flow faster than it should.

One day on a creek bed journey, I fell. My ankle was wedged between two rocks and my knee got busted open and this little people wedged inside it. I could feel the pebble as I tried to stand and cried. My friend’s dad picked me up and took me to the house where he lovingly removed the pebble and bandaged my knee.

That happened when I was 8. Thirty years later, when I shave or wear shorts, I am reminded of this day. I don’t rehearse the pain. I rehearse the memory of the beauty I took in that day. Of the creek. Of the man’s kindness.

From the age of 6 until I was 12, I endured sexual abuse. It was horrendous and if you see at the top of this blog I have a page that shares that testimony in depth. As of right now, I carry the biggest scar from this time in my life.

Something troubles me deeply lately. I watch crowds often. The expressions. The body language. I see so many who have endured terrible things in their lives yet they never let the wound heal and come to a scar. They let it fester. The keep breaking the wound open. They hide under the labels PTSD, Anxiety Sufferer, Depressed, Suicidal with constant symptoms like these below:

I have suffered the wound each of the feelings caused. They are very real and they are very hard to overcome. But it is not impossible to overcome them. What if the label serves more as an excuse than a step towards healing?

Have you seen these around:

What if we are given heightened strengths and awareness due to the trauma in our lives? So many us have suffered. What if we claimed our victories and stood tall instead of grasping our frailties and succumbing to evil’s darkness? It seems to me trauma victors have a lot to offer a very dark world.

I like this song called My House by Pvris. Within the song you come across these lyrics:


“Never thought that I would feel like this
Such a mess when I’m in your presence
I’ve had enough, I think you’ve been making me sick
Gotta get you out of my system
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
It’s my soul
It isn’t yours anymore
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
Yeah, I think it’s time to get out”

I remember the first time hearing this song I had to listen to it another dozen times. Why? I related. Pvris may have meant those lyrics to be taken totally in a different direction with their meaning to this song, but for me, it was about a dark demonic presence I carried with me often, for as long as I can remember. It made me relive memories. It made me have flashbacks. It made curl in the corner in fear due to the fact I felt someone was coming to hurt me again. It made me live in fear so much that I tried to end my life on three different occasions. It is my house. And I think was time the darkness leave me.

November 14, 1999 I gave my life, heart and soul to Christ. 6 weeks later I did the same thing to my husband, December 31, 1999. I was letting go of the festering wounds. I was going to quit opening the wounds up. I was going to bare the scar instead. That journey was long. But I can tell you I stand completely a survivor. I am not a victim. I won’t bare anymore of those labels the keep me repressed and my healing in the distance.

Be blessed. Listen to the words of Scars by I Am They. SCARS