Let Him Go

There’s a happiness to the bustling of things being put into boxes this morning as Aaron and I are loading the truck. Amongst the things to pack are all these cassette tapes dad recorded of Sunday morning worship music off the radio. 

Dad walks in (even in this dream I knew he wasn’t truly here but that it was a type of visitation) and looks at me. I know he’s getting ready to say it…

“Don’t throw those away. Hold on to them and listen to them,” he said with that sideways grin. How predictable. “I know. I won’t,” I comment. 

Aaron grins at me and I go to take the box to the truck. As I approach the truck I see Austin on the other side of the fence in front of the truck. He’s little. He’s 10. He’s this bouncy little guy full of happiness. He looks at me and asks me to come to him. He reaches for a hug and I just stare into those big, brown eyes. (Even here I know this is a dream as my Austin is 22 now and again I know this is a type of visitation) He looks up at me and says, “You’re the best mom in the whole world. You always have been and always will be. I meant it.” 

My heart starts to skip a beat. I’m starting to tear up but I don’t want to cry or be sad. I know I shouldn’t be. 

“I love you so much, Austin. I’m thankful you are mine,” I tell him. 

 I turn back around to walk to the box that I had sat on on the rocky ground in front of the truck and take it to the back where all the other treasures are being placed in the bed of the truck. As I turn to walk back into the house I catch a glimpse of movement on the driveway where we drove up. At the top of this road I see dad and my little Austin walking hand in hand down the road and away from us…and I catch my breath. I can’t stop the tears this time. I fully understand the point of this ‘dream’. 

I wake up and have an ugly cry. 

I am visited often with dreams like this. When my heart is heavy and hurts and I need some reassurance all will work out, or when I am scared to death for a friend. In praying often for others there is a heavy burden there. 

This dream in particular covered many areas in my life right now. Aaron and I are both transitioning to the next stage of our lives. It’s a new chapter per say. I assume that’s why we are packing in this dream. 

I have been missing dad something awful lately. Just to have someone fun to hang out with and be a bit crazy. He would always tease me and keep me light-hearted. Dad was unpredictable and aside from God and Aaron, the only man I trusted with my life. I guess with all this transitioning I just wished I could hear his crazy antics and make things a bit more bearable. I know that’s why his teasing and presence was in the dream. 

Austin. Letting your kids use those wings and chase their callings is not easy. You think the infant stage is hard? It is. You have nothing to compare or prepare you for it. Yet I will say, this stage is the hardest. The scariest. There’s no more keeping them close to you to keep them from harm’s way, there’s no more cooking them their meals to be sure they have eaten, there’s no more bedtimes to assure they rest as the schedules conflict. You just have to pray like crazy that somewhere through all your messes and mistakes as a parent God allowed a lesson to stick in their minds that will keep them safe. That will assure they are fed and rest well. You have to hand them 100% over to the Lord and it can be so hard. 

This dream assured me I was as good of a mom to Austin as I could be. That he loves me. And made me face the painful truth my little boy was gone. Just like daddy is in Heaven and doing just fine so is that little boy. Now in his place is this amazing young man prepared and able to live in a rough and tough world. And I have to be ok with that. I have to let go. Let him go. *Deep sigh. “I can do this. God, help me do this, I can’t without Your help.” 

We Must Not Faint

Thinking back on the stories told to me by the elders in my life, I recall their memories of how on any given school day it started with prayer, God’s Word, and the pledge of allegiance. Universally this was accepted as they had respect and a humbleness we, in today’s time have seemed to have forgotten.

We seem to only appreciate this come the 4th of July, anymore.

The Pledge of Allegiance and prayer, was not something to be taken lightly. It was important.

Sweet Grandma (born in 1925) and my daughter.

Slowly this way of usual routine has dwindled. It has become like an idea shredded in the wastebasket. Disregarded.

I seen this fall start in my childhood. I remember comparing the raising I was given to that of theirs and it was very different.

The 21 century standard seems to be that of silencing anything moral and of Biblical principal  at any cost, as if it is a plague robbing life from our human existence.

If I may so, the world I am in today is much more sad and angry than that of even just 30 years ago. Times then were by no means perfect. I endured the most traumatic time of my life then but I still stand on the idea that it’s a much darker place.

Why is it this way?

Have we, who claim to stand on Biblical principles and moral foundations, allowed ourselves to grow faint in our prayers? Have we allowed ourselves to be silenced?

Luke 18:1-8

And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint;

2 Saying, There was in a city a judge, which feared not God, neither regarded man:

3 And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.

4 And he would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man;

5 Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

6 And the Lord said, Hear what the unjust judge saith.

7 And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?

8 I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?

A special place in Texas

I will ponder on this awhile. I will seek to see if I am a part of the problem. I do not want to be silent. I do want to grow faint. I want to show others a way out of this darkness. I want to show them the Everlasting Light. We must always be praying and lifting one another up. We must never stop.

Psalm 34:10

The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

I encourage you to keep on fighting the good fight and to know you are not alone.

I Will Not Let You Settle

On April 5, 2014 we were blessed to be given the opportunity to adopt a beautiful little 5 year old girl. It has been a journey. Some days have been much harder than others, however each day a total blessing regardless. Today was one of those ‘much harder’ days and I decided to write my princess a letter.

Summer 2014

I’m not sure why this fire is so fierce inside of me. Why I can’t just turn my head let you be so little when you have so much to offer.

I see a warrior princess in you my daughter.
Things haven’t  been fair and you’ve been tossed to the side not only by your biologicals but yet another family. Expendable is what you felt. And that might have been the case until God landed you in my lap.

March 8, 2019

I know trust is hard to give when you’ve been shattered. I know anger boils down so deep you wish you could be a dragon and spew fire just to feel some relief from all that pressure inside. Little one, I know, I have been there. I know what all this feels like and I know it is so easy to develop an exterior shell that serves as protection never to be hurt again. Not like that. Not by any human. You never want to hurt again, you’re tired of it, so you hide within yourself and do life for you, at any cost, lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating without taking any thought into thought how it affects those around you. It’s self preservation. It’s survival mode. I get it. I have been there.

But my princess, I will not let you stay this way. I will hold you by the hand and help you arise out of the ash heap. You will be victorious. You, too, will be an overcomer. I will hold you accountable. I will praise you and cherish you. I will show you a Father who loves you so deeply words cannot define. I will be your Queen (momma) and you will be my Princess and as long as we keep The King of Kings by our side, we will see your  life full of healing and purpose. I promise you. But I will never let you settle for being less than you are. I promise you that. You will not use lying, cheating, stealing nor manipulation to generate a fulfilling life. I will show you love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness. I will be an example of long-suffering, gentleness and protection. You will overcome. Because in my eyes that is what you are, an overcomer. Therefore, I will not let you settle for anything less.

To my princess,

Love your momma