Scars Mean The Battle Was Real

When I was a little girl I loved to walk in creek beds. I would admire the way the trees would bend in as to shelter what was beneath. I also noticed how the creek banks were like cradles to usher the water flow in its journey to the next bigger body of water. You know, thinking about it, I wonder if those rocks kept the creek water humble so it wouldn’t flow faster than it should.

One day on a creek bed journey, I fell. My ankle was wedged between two rocks and my knee got busted open and this little people wedged inside it. I could feel the pebble as I tried to stand and cried. My friend’s dad picked me up and took me to the house where he lovingly removed the pebble and bandaged my knee.

That happened when I was 8. Thirty years later, when I shave or wear shorts, I am reminded of this day. I don’t rehearse the pain. I rehearse the memory of the beauty I took in that day. Of the creek. Of the man’s kindness.

From the age of 6 until I was 12, I endured sexual abuse. It was horrendous and if you see at the top of this blog I have a page that shares that testimony in depth. As of right now, I carry the biggest scar from this time in my life.

Something troubles me deeply lately. I watch crowds often. The expressions. The body language. I see so many who have endured terrible things in their lives yet they never let the wound heal and come to a scar. They let it fester. The keep breaking the wound open. They hide under the labels PTSD, Anxiety Sufferer, Depressed, Suicidal with constant symptoms like these below:

I have suffered the wound each of the feelings caused. They are very real and they are very hard to overcome. But it is not impossible to overcome them. What if the label serves more as an excuse than a step towards healing?

Have you seen these around:

What if we are given heightened strengths and awareness due to the trauma in our lives? So many us have suffered. What if we claimed our victories and stood tall instead of grasping our frailties and succumbing to evil’s darkness? It seems to me trauma victors have a lot to offer a very dark world.

I like this song called My House by Pvris. Within the song you come across these lyrics:


“Never thought that I would feel like this
Such a mess when I’m in your presence
I’ve had enough, I think you’ve been making me sick
Gotta get you out of my system
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
It’s my soul
It isn’t yours anymore
It’s my house
And I think it’s time to get out
Yeah, I think it’s time to get out”

I remember the first time hearing this song I had to listen to it another dozen times. Why? I related. Pvris may have meant those lyrics to be taken totally in a different direction with their meaning to this song, but for me, it was about a dark demonic presence I carried with me often, for as long as I can remember. It made me relive memories. It made me have flashbacks. It made curl in the corner in fear due to the fact I felt someone was coming to hurt me again. It made me live in fear so much that I tried to end my life on three different occasions. It is my house. And I think was time the darkness leave me.

November 14, 1999 I gave my life, heart and soul to Christ. 6 weeks later I did the same thing to my husband, December 31, 1999. I was letting go of the festering wounds. I was going to quit opening the wounds up. I was going to bare the scar instead. That journey was long. But I can tell you I stand completely a survivor. I am not a victim. I won’t bare anymore of those labels the keep me repressed and my healing in the distance.

Be blessed. Listen to the words of Scars by I Am They. SCARS

Chaos Welcomed

We are creatures of comfort and to each one of us that means something different.

From the ages of 6-11 I dealt with sexual abuse. At age 12, rape. From the ages of 13-19, I was a total mess, suffering with at times, extreme PTSD to the point I was suicidal. 

Chaos and inner turmoil were just the norm. 

At age 19, I met a man, who is still my man (married 20 years in December) who brought stability and protection into my life. Something I seriously didn’t know how to handle. You get used to the chaos. In its odd little way, it becomes a safe harbor because it’s all you know. 


But let me tell you, sweet one, were never meant to go through traumatic things, let alone remain there in the ashes.

You can rise above the pain and heal. No, it is not by any means… easy. But if you want it bad enough, it is so possible. You just need strong accountability partners and for me, it was my Savior, Jesus Christ and my husband.

Don’t feel sorry for me nor pity me. I am an Overcomer through God’s Grace and my husband’s love. 

I just want others to know your life does not end at the abuse unless you let it. I am here if you need a friend, sweet one.

Strengthen Me

Being a Christian makes life much more joyful but I must say, it makes it harder too. Do you ever feel like that?

My fallen nature rebels against God’s commands. It loathes His will. It bares its teeth and snarls because of its bounty of pride and selfish desires often being reprimanded by the Word. It does not like answering to anyone.

I also have this personal will, this desire that runs deep within, that wants to do good and have moral foundations. Who wants to better the world in some way.

Both of these, I must constantly bring before the Throne of Grace in humbleness and ask that God help me to wield a life of purpose and minimal regret, to help me have the strength to discipline my attitudes, decisions, and actions in a way pleasing to Him. It’s constant. It’s on-going. But I am ready for this battle.

There is a quote, “The number of times the average person says NO to temptation is ONCE weakly.”

Dear Heavenly Father, Give me Your strength where I am faltering. Help me stay focused on You. In Jesus Name, Amen.

We Must Not Faint

Thinking back on the stories told to me by the elders in my life, I recall their memories of how on any given school day it started with prayer, God’s Word, and the pledge of allegiance. Universally this was accepted as they had respect and a humbleness we, in today’s time have seemed to have forgotten.

We seem to only appreciate this come the 4th of July, anymore.

The Pledge of Allegiance and prayer, was not something to be taken lightly. It was important.

Sweet Grandma (born in 1925) and my daughter.

Slowly this way of usual routine has dwindled. It has become like an idea shredded in the wastebasket. Disregarded.

I seen this fall start in my childhood. I remember comparing the raising I was given to that of theirs and it was very different.

The 21 century standard seems to be that of silencing anything moral and of Biblical principal  at any cost, as if it is a plague robbing life from our human existence.

If I may so, the world I am in today is much more sad and angry than that of even just 30 years ago. Times then were by no means perfect. I endured the most traumatic time of my life then but I still stand on the idea that it’s a much darker place.

Why is it this way?

Have we, who claim to stand on Biblical principles and moral foundations, allowed ourselves to grow faint in our prayers? Have we allowed ourselves to be silenced?

Luke 18:1-8

And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint;

2 Saying, There was in a city a judge, which feared not God, neither regarded man:

3 And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.

4 And he would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man;

5 Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

6 And the Lord said, Hear what the unjust judge saith.

7 And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?

8 I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?

A special place in Texas

I will ponder on this awhile. I will seek to see if I am a part of the problem. I do not want to be silent. I do want to grow faint. I want to show others a way out of this darkness. I want to show them the Everlasting Light. We must always be praying and lifting one another up. We must never stop.

Psalm 34:10

The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

I encourage you to keep on fighting the good fight and to know you are not alone.

Solar Light

Lately in our area it’s been gloomy. This is the part of winter where cabin fever is at its peak. I try not to complain but I want to see green. I want to feel sunshine. I want to dig in the dirt and plant flowers even manage a garden. And as crazy as it sounds, I want to mow the yard!

I probably should make a memo to visit this post again in June. You know, to remind myself where I was a few weeks back when I’m tired of mowing because the grass just won’t stop.

Back to where I was going with this.

I have always been drawn to sparkly, bright lights. On my bucket list I have down the opportunity to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and the outdoor nightlife of Vegas. Since my husband and I have been married, he has always tried to make arrangements to see the Silver Dollar City Christmas Lighting Ceremony of their tree which takes place the first weekend in November, around if not on, my birthday. We have made it tradition on this night to reflect on the past and what the year has held for us. I come with a humble heart and often leave with a few tears. It is a very special time for me and I am thankful my husband sees that.

Tonight on our way home from work, I noticed all the solar lights lit up everywhere, the kind you buy to line a walkway and/or add appeal to the landscaping. These little lights are quite popular it seems. With things being so overcast and gray lately, they haven’t had the energy to shine bright.  But tonight they glistened. I admired them.

Then, 1 Peter 2:9 came across the marquee bedded in my mind.

But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light. (KJV)

It made me think of our individual lights. We each are born with something so fragile yet so eternal, meant for Heaven but given a choice of the alternative. This thing sets us apart, makes us peculiar, often times makes us a spectacle. It’s a soul. I will henceforth liken the soul to the solar light.

Some of us choose to find the Source that will help the soul function in its purpose. To help it shine per se.  This Source provides joy, peace, strength, discipline, even patience. Once plugged into the Source it has the ability to be contagious. It draws attention. Some welcome it. as it brightens the path in life taken. Others are annoyed by it for it reveals truth and things meant to be kept in the dark. These, spend their whole lives ignoring it, suppressing it, quieting it, refusing to let it shine out and be noticed. Once at this point, the soul has learned to lurk in the dark recesses of the human cavity and refuses the light. Its more familiar there. It feels safe in the dark. Unexposed. Hidden.

The situation is these two types cannot exist in the same room without having an affect on each other. One will have more of an influence. One will dominate. The way in which the bolder of the souls leads is dependent on its human and its relationship with the Source. If the one is timid, afraid, insecure, unsure, it will more than likely absorb some if not all, under the influence of the bolder being. May the brightest light be bold here.

In the same way a solar light who has absorbed the sunshine all day cannot be silenced by the blanket of the night. Neither can a solar light left in the dreariness of a gloomy, damp day, have any power to shine in the darkness.

What light do others see in you? Would you be considered a bright light or one prone to darkness?

Lord God, forgive me for the times I have been more influenced by the darkness around me than by You. In my selfishness of self-seeking, if have influenced one to lurk where it is yet dark forgive me. Lord God, I come to You to be strengthened. To be filled with Your light so that I may help rid the world of the darkness growing in the human race. So many are searching for the Light. So many need to know where the Source is so they too, can shine. Help me, Father. Help me see them and bring them home. In Jesus Name, Amen.

One Ultimate Step Further

Is there anything more noble, selfless, and honorable than a man willing to lay his life down for that of another?

I come from a family of soldiers. My grandfather, uncle, brother and many friends have served selflessly to provide us freedoms in which we pay no expense (sometimes even thought, sadly) but fully experience.

I have seen first hand how combat can forever change a man into something he runs from daily. The missions they had to carry out and the shards of their inner person that now remain because of that mission, leave the soldier trying to somehow piece back what fragments they have left, in order to semi-function for the rest of their lives, if they can manage. Sadly, some suffer till death comes and sets them free. It’s just the truth of it. I love and am forever humbled by these kinds of hearts.

I will also say unless another soldier steps in and picks up where they left off, freedom becomes vulnerable. Once a brave man’s life comes to an end or he is mentally/physically unable to continue serving, the freedom starts to be taken away if not abruptly halted. That is not the fault of the soldier. It is simply humanity. We are not infinite. We are mortal.

With all that said. I want to explain something. I cannot shake this from my mind and so I write. It’s like writing is the vein through which my heart can sort through things.

I happened across this picture with this caption:

“Jesus died to save you. Who else would do that?” 

My grandfather never compared his time in the military to be equated with God. I have never heard any other soldier that I know of (personally connected to me as I am sure this mindset is out there, it’s just the world we live in) suggest what they did somehow is of more nobility than the sacrifice Jesus Himself made on that cruel cross. If anything, they have experienced first-hand what that sacrifice took for Jesus to carry out.

I want to compare something just for a minute; my husband and a soldier. I have already expressed my love and gratitude for the soldier in the fact that they give all to keep our home-front safe, but I also see my husband as a soldier-type hero. I know if my life or our kids lives were in danger at the cruelty of another being he’d pull a gun on that person and possibly even kill him. That is just the fact. And I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same for him or our children. But if I lost my husband, if his time came to end on Earth, that protection, that freedom, would would be jeopardized, especially if no one else took the position he had. There is no re-spawn button. Death on Earth is final. Your eternity is not. But to enter into that forever you must first die here.

See here is the amazing thing, Jesus died for us all but He took it further,  He conquered death. The freedom and redemption didn’t stop at the cross, or the tomb, this freedom exists. It still exists! And it will until Jesus comes back to end all the mess we humans face each and every day.

A soldier doesn’t come back as his death is final. The freedom they aided in is now vulnerable if no other soldier takes his place. My husband couldn’t come back as his death would be final. The freedom and protection he gave my children and I would be put at risk unless someone else came in or we managed ourselves. But Jesus conquered both the WORLD and DEATH and HE IS COMING BACK. There is so much hope in this statement.

Afraid to Stand Out Part 2

A bouquet is beautiful because of the uniqueness of each flower.

Why try and fit in when you are created to be unique?

As much as we are alike (each with a brain, bone structure, two eyes, two arms two legs, and one nose) we are also remarkably different.

Psalm 139: 13-14

13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

We each have been patented by our Creator with our own unique personality, gifts, talents and passions.

A patent is a form of intellectual property. A patent gives its owner the right to exclude others from making, using, selling, and importing an invention for a limited period of time, usually twenty years. The patent rights are granted in exchange for an enabling public disclosure of the invention. (1)

God wants us to walk in this uniqueness boldly, unhindered by outside influences. We feel so much social pressure to fit in and play along with others even if it means losing ourselves, which was never the plan. He wants us to live and operate in our uniqueness yet being different usually means your companions will now include confrontation, rejection, and isolation instead of the acceptance and status quo we seek from those around us. We stomp out the fires of our inner passions to conform to a mindless consensus.

You are meant for great things. You are beautiful and full of purpose. Don’t ever let yourself be jaded by everyone else. Be you!!

(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patent